having just one more exam paper tomorrow then i'll be done with 3rd year. 

then i'll be seeing the taylor swift (hope i didn't die)

but then on monday i'm starting internship in East Tamaki immediately

oh dear

i think one thing i'm pretty much looking forward to, now, other than finishing this gracefool semester, would be going to sydney for a mini reunion with my girls, in feb.

and i'm kinda excited about going home on april too. let's just hope the flight tix won't be peaking high

but as for now, let's just look forward to tomorrow

where i'll finish paper at 5.30pm, run home for asar and grab my concert tix, then off to see tay play some good ol reputation at mt smart stadium!

praying for clear weather

xx

Had my 21st birthday last week and it was fun; did a bunch of 'birthday stuffs', received some presents and just...simply...turned 21. Lol.

What's more depressing that turning a year older is, examination. I just finished 2 papers, one yesterday and another one on the day before. Which was super tiring, hence why I slept so early last night and woke up midday. Yesterday's paper was kinda bad that I felt like crying all night; thankfully I didn't.

As friends would have known, i never got upset over an exam...but yesterday was new.
Probably because I had such high hopes.

I have 2 more at the end of next week, also a back-to-back 2-papers. Let's see how those will go.

Anyway I woke up today, had my lunch, did the afternoon prayer, cleaned the stove, folded the clothes, stretched my bed sheet, washed my coffee stained 2-day-ago cup, recycled the papers i had used for my previous 2 exams, replied to messages on whatsapp and instagram, and writing on this blog.

My internship contract came in earlier this week, and i just figured that working time is going to start at 7.30am instead of 8am. Which means i have to leave home at 6:00am to reach East Tamaki in time. Thank goodness subuh is early in the summer.

Anyways, at 21 years old now, i have to say that i still own a Disney song playlist and bought my Disney x Colorpop eye shadow palette not a month ago. People mature, but the obsession towards Disney is not a part of it.

if i talk about my once upon a time insecurities, it would take a hundred posts just to get started.
i'm happy to say i'm passed some of that.

it was never about the comments people tend to make

or the comments in your head you think people would make

it was never about the standards forced on you

or the standards you think are forced on you

it's all about what you see in the reflection

when you stand before a mirror

and whether your eyes glisten

and heart softens

because you appreciate the display.

it has come to this, many years later

after many tears spilled over cold, hard pillows

or behind closed toilet doors

after many vulnerable moments and mental breakdowns,

i can finally believe that the only voice matters is mine.

and that faith... is irrefutable & unstoppable.

is there a childhood trauma that haunts you whenever you're in high fever?

i have one.

it replays in my mind when i'm asleep & powerless.

crazy thing is, i never could tell whether it was a dream or was i really going through that again.

when i'd wake up, it's as if i was a scarred, heartbroken 10-year old again.

it always baffles me, how only this one particular memory resurfaces, and nothing else.

no matter how hard i try to push it away each time

maybe because i also was having a high fever that day 11 years ago.

it's a dejavu that carries a complex series of feelings.

it took me quite a few years to mature, to understand what that whole episode was about.

and more than a few years to try and undo the damage.

it was impossible of course, but i can at least live with it now.

or so i thought.

 

As I grow older, I suppose I get wiser.

Too many unplanned things have happened, and despite some uneasiness and a lot of sacrificing; I have found myself dealing with them in a more matured way. I love this feeling. Of not feeling want to complain. Or hassle over petty issues. Or when something’s not driven to my doorsteps; i could let them go. The feeling of wanting to become a better person.

Although this post doesn’t seem to be of any purpose, I’m just writing this down so that whenever in the future life gets worse for me, and that I get sad, I can read this post again to relive the moment of me being happy about myself... although temporarily. 

It isn't like me to overthink. But sometimes this mind just won't stop. It speaks as it desires. It relieves me to have this space for myself, knowing that it is safe to say whatever. Oh, how I long for the nights in my home city, with my girl friends.  With our pajamas on and hair braided, Nescafe mugs in our cold hands. Sitting by the patio over-viewing the elite city, and just talk about whatever.

I long for those safe talks.

Long for those breezy nights.

And for those familiar companions.

And how we'd all take turns taking a trip to the kitchen to fetch hot water cuz our drinks got cold as the night progressed.

Wishing them a good health, and that I shall see them soon.