is there a childhood trauma that haunts you whenever you're in high fever?

i have one.

it replays in my mind when i'm asleep & powerless.

crazy thing is, i never could tell whether it was a dream or was i really going through that again.

when i'd wake up, it's as if i was a scarred, heartbroken 10-year old again.

it always baffles me, how only this one particular memory resurfaces, and nothing else.

no matter how hard i try to push it away each time

maybe because i also was having a high fever that day 11 years ago.

it's a dejavu that carries a complex series of feelings.

it took me quite a few years to mature, to understand what that whole episode was about.

and more than a few years to try and undo the damage.

it was impossible of course, but i can at least live with it now.

or so i thought.